new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
