I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
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