I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
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Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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