This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
