Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
