as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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