I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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