Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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