At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
