Someone shit on the floor
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Randomize
