You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
