Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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