i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
