I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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