i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
