He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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