Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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