life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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