well I can't set my house on fire every night
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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