im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
