in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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