Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
