Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
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I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
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You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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