you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
