I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
