and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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