i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
