So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
