If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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