You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
