The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize
