Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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