And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Randomize
