I will die if light touches me.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Randomize
