Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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