She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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