No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Randomize
