So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
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