yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
