Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
