One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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