look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Randomize