i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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