I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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