He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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