i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
