I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
