so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
