I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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