The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
