Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
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