Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Randomize
