I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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