i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
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