I didn't shave. On purpose
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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