I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?