My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS