I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
