OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Randomize
