naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
3pm strippers are depressing
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
